God saved me from a punishment I couldn’t handle on my own but that isn’t all that He is doing.
He is sanctifying me so I’ll look more like Jesus so that I’ll please the Father and also so that I
will have peace and joy in my life. Over the years I have come to accept this and have embraced
it, but there are parts of the Bible that I haven’t emotionally been able to just accept easily. One
of those Truths has been being a child of God. It felt like something too far above my station.
Servant/slave of God. Sure, I’m all over that. Give me a job to do. The blessings of this life as
His servant have been so amazing that I’ll energetically do anything, including scrubbing
angelic toilets if that is where God needs me. I’m ready to serve and nothing is below me.
The idea of being God’s child though is something I’ve struggled to accept. I know in my head
that it is the Truth and have seen the evidence of it in my life. The prayers that God has
answered, the peace that permeates my house, the joy that carries me through the darkest days
and makes the beautiful days sing… The reality is there but emotionally it has been so hard to
accept.
Why? Why would He put anything extra on top of an amazing reality of being accepted as a
servant? It is already enough. I just don’t understand why He would go to so much trouble.
And yet, I needed Him closer than just a Master.
I was working so hard to be worthy of Him for so long and He broke me of that when He
showed me clearly that I can’t earn my way into His kingdom. I tried to be an obedient servant
and do all that I can do on my own but I am failing so badly. I don’t even want to do what He
has asked of me. Cleaning toilets, I got that, but sharing publicly and creating a platform… No,
thanks. Let someone else do it. I want to dust bookshelves. Care for God’s farm. My highest
aspiration is to become a trusted librarian! Public figure. Nope. I’m good, thanks.
I can’t even be a servant right.
How do I negotiate with God? I don’t have the skills I need for this. It is too much for me to do
on my own.
Lo and behold, that is what He wanted. He wanted me to figure out that I can’t do it on my own.
I am not enough on my own and I need Him. He wants to ask big things of me so that I have to
lean harder on Him so He can glorify Himself through my weakness. I have a lot of weaknesses
for Him to work with, so I guess it really works out for us.
Then when I was really struggling one day, I went to bed fretting and as I was waking up I had a
thought enter my mind. What if instead of trying to do it myself I asked my Father for help?
If I were to change my mindset that I am His child and He is the perfect Father who has asked
His child to do something too big for her to do on her own… won’t He gladly help her out since
she is asking for what He wants to give anyway?
Then I get to relax since it’s His plan and He never changes and never fails. What am I worried
about? It doesn’t matter if I deserve His help or not.
I’m doing the chore my Father asked me to do and He is willing to help me with. He isn’t the
type of Father who gives His children impossible tasks and makes them figure it out on their
own. He uses everything as a learning experience to teach, heal, strengthen, and edify the body
of Christ with.
Nothing goes to waste. It’s all important and powerful.
I thought He was like me. I thought He was like earthly fathers who aren’t enough on their own.
I thought I was going to have to figure it out on my own…
But, I am not alone.
He doesn’t shame me for my weakness.
He knows me better than I even know myself and He has provided the way for me to be His
child with the ability to stand alongside His Son.
I am not tolerated but embraced as a full-fledged child of God. I am secure. Everything that I
need to do the will of God will be provided.
There is no need to be anxious. I just need to wait with the expectation that I’m about to see
something cool.
❧
So here I am… watching closely.
